I had been in therapy for two years in a different state and moved here, during my pysch meetings we tried drug after drug after drug.

(I had a mental break down prior to the therapy sessions and was diagnosed with PTSD, acute anxiety disorder, panic attacks, night terrors or panic attacks whilst sleeping and borderline personality disorder)

At the end of treatment I was finally on meds that fit me well. 225 mg effexor xr daily, Xanax 2mg one in morning, 1 in afternoon, 2 at night for the extreme night terrors, and trazadone ( I forget the mg)

Well I became pregnant and was weaned off my medication for the babies safety of course.

After the birth I became extremely more depression and detatched and was placed back on the same medications. Unluckily though we lost our health insurance and could not afford the therapy sessions, nor the meds

I found a Family Practice Dr. who was very kind and since we had moved out of state called my former therapist and followed her previous medications, the problem was, all I could afford was the xanax- So we had to change the anti-depressent which was in the 800$ range(effexor xr 75mgx3) there is no generic, so we went back to cheaper zoloft, which I hate, It takes away my sex drive to the point of noexistence at the dosage I need to be on (150-200mg range) and it really isnt cheap at that dosage either running me about 75-100$.

SO the doc decided to try some older meds which he knew would be much much cheaper and put me on Pamelor (I dont know dosage off the top of my head) but its 3 a day. Im also on Haldol.

So all in alI am on Pamelor, Xanax, and Haldol.

But recently my best friend died and I have taken it very hard and my depression medication is just not cutting it, I havent taken the Haldol in a few months due to muscle spasms, and I have a bad back to begin with.

So being on the poor side I started self-medicating- first with alcohol. I was bad for about 2 weeks, I blacked out approx. 5 times in 2 weeks and went to the hospital once, because i drank a whole 5th of jack alone. (Please be aware I usually dont do things like this and I take my meds as prescribed, I was just EXTREMELY depressed)

Well let me be the first to tell you alcohol does not help, it just makes it hurt worse- cause you wake up feeling ashamed, disgusted with yourself, imbarrassed, worried of how you maintained yourself AND STILL Depressed.

So my friend said he had some methadones and told me to try them, I looked on the internet, and found the were used for pain managment, herion or drug withdrawl symptoms but they are doing studies on depresion treatment and methadone – check it out here http://opioids.com/antidepressant/index.html

So I bought some and tried them, at this point I was desperate to feel relief from all my anxiety and depression. He had 30 mg tabs and I broke them in two, took one half in morning one half in afternoon and a whole one before bed. This with my Xanax, well it was an amazing feeling (and I dont mean I got high, I didnt take enough methadone to even feel a difference) I could get up in the morning and actually get out of my pajamas, put on makeup- Make a full breakfast for my kids and husband. Make a full lunch for the kids, Play games outside, and inside, CLEAN MY HOUSE DAILY!! (if you have major depression you know how much an accomplishment this is) Have dinner ready for the old man when he got home, get the kids ready for bed, read bedtime stories, have sex SLEEP. Its like I can live for the first time in 5 years *Tears*

I need your opinions, because I found a new Psyc. and an appt coming up on the 26 and I kinda want to bring it up to her, but I am scared of what she will think of the degree of the drug, but Im also scared if I dont tell her, I will be living in fear and depression for the rest of mylife.

HELP!

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